My Mother uses lemon juice for her complexion. Maybe that is why she always looks so sour.

I'm not ugly. I could marry anyone I pleased! But that's the problem - you don't please anyone.

Fred: What's that terribly ugly thing on your shoulders? Harry: Help! What is it? Fred: Your head!

She's so ugly that when a wasp stings her it shuts its eyes.

First girl: I spend hours in front of the mirror admiring my beauty. Do you think that's vanity? Second girl: No, it's imagination.

Who won the Monster Beauty Contest? No one.

First Witch: I went to the beauty parlor yesterday. I was there for three hours. Second Witch: Oh, what did you have done? First witch: Nothing, I was just going in for an estimate.

Mrs Saggy: Mrs Wrinkly tried to have a facelift last week. Mrs Baggy: Tried to? Mrs Saggy: Yes, they couldn't find a crane strong enough to lift her face!

They say Margaret is a raving beauty. You mean she's escaped from the funny farm?

First witch: My beauty is timeless. Second witch: Yes, it could stop a clock.

A witch went into a beauty parlor and asked the assistant how much it would cost to make her look like a film star. "Nothing," replied the assistant. "Nothing?" she asked, "but how can I look like a film star?" "Haven't you seen a film called The Creature from the Black Lagoon?" replied the assistant.

A monster went to the doctor with a branch growing out of his head. "Hmmm," said the doctor. "I've no idea what it is." The next week the branch was covered in leaves and blossom. "I'm stumped," said the doctor, "but you can try taking these pills." When the monster came back a month later the branch had grown into a tree, and just a few weeks later he developed a small pond, surrounded by trees and bushes, all of them on top of his head. "Ah!" said the doctor, "I know what it is. You've got a beauty spot."

I've just come back from the beauty parlour. Pity it was closed!

Where is everyone beautiful? In the dark.

Fred keeps telling me that he's going to marry the most beautiful girl in the world. Oh, what a shame! And you've been engaged for such a long time!

People keep telling me I'm beautiful. What vivid imaginations some people have.

Don't look out of the window, Betty, people will think it's Halloween.

What happened when the witch went for a job as a TV presenter? The producer said she had the perfect face for radio.

Did you hear about the witch who did a four year course in ugliness? She finished it in two.

What is yellow and goes click-click? A ball-point banana. Witch: Will I lose my looks as I get older? Wizard: With luck, yes. Witch: