An old man approaches the window of a cinema with a chicken on his shoulder, and asks for 2 tickets. The girl at the counter wants to know who is going in with him. He replies, "Well, my pet chicken, of course!" "I'm sorry," The girl tells him. "We can't allow animals in the cinema." The man goes around the corner and stuffs the chicken into his trousers. He returns to the window, buys his ticket and goes in. Inside the cinema, the chicken starts to get hot and begins to squirm, so the man unzips his trousers so the chicken can stick it's head out and watch the film. Seated next to him is a woman. She looks over at his lap and is horrified. She elbows her friend Agnes and whispers, "Agnes, this man over here has just unzipped his trousers!" Agnes whispers back, "Oh, don't worry about it...you've seen one, you've seen them all." Madge says, "I KNOW...but this one's eating my POPCORN!!"

Two Marines were sitting around talking one day. The first Marine asked the second Marine, "If they were to drop a bomb right now, what would be the first thing you would do?" The second Marine said, "I would screw the first thing that moved. What would you do?" The first Marine replied, "I would stand very still for half an hour."

The officer shouted orders to a nearby soldier. With considerable bravery, the GI ran directly onto the field of battle, in the line of fire, to retrieve a dispatch case from a dead soldier. In a hail of bullets, he dove back to safety. "Private," the officer said, "I'm recommending you for a medal. You risked your life to save the locations of our secret warehouses." "Warehouses?" the private shouted. "I thought you said whorehouses!"

What's the speed limit of sex? 68; at 69 you have to turn around.

What's the ultimate rejection? When you're masturbating and your hand falls asleep.

Why is air a lot like sex? Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

What did the egg say to the boiling water? "How can you expect me to get hard so fast? I just got laid a minute ago."

Why did Frosty the Snowman pull down his pants? He heard the snow blower coming.

What is it when a man talks dirty to a woman? Sexual harassment.

What is it when a woman talks dirty to a man? $3.99 a minute.

What are three words you dread the most while making love? "Honey, I'm home."

Why is it called a Wonder Bra? When she takes it off, you wonder where her tits went.

Why don't women blink during foreplay? They don't have time.

What's the difference between a rooster and a hooker? a rooster says cocka-doodle-doo a hooker says any cock will do.

Why did the former porn actor get fired from his job as a gas station attendant? Right before the tanks were full, he would pull out the nozzle and spray gas all over the car.

What is the difference between a frog and a horny toad? One says ribbit ribbit, the other one says rub-it, rub-it!

What do a pizza delivery man and a gynecologist have in common? They can both smell it but they can't eat it.

What is the difference between a drug pusher and a prostitute? A prostitute can wash her crack and sell it again.

Why did the condom cross the road? Because it was pissed off.

What does KFC and a woman have in common? Once you're done with the breasts and the thighs, there's still a greasy box to put your bone in.