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Three men are traveling in the Amazon, a German,
an American, and a Mexican, and they get captured by some Amazons.
head of the tribe says to the German, "What do you want on your
for your whipping?"
The German responds, "I will take
oil!" So they put oil on his back,
and a large Amazon whips him ten
times. When he is finished the German
has these huge welts on his
back, and he can hardly move.
The Amazons haul the German away,
and say to the Mexican, "What do you
want on your back?"
will take nothing!" says the Mexican, and he stands there straight
and takes his ten lashings without a single flinch.
you take on your back?" the Amazons ask the American.
responds, "I'll take the Mexican."
An Englishman, Frenchman,
Mexican, and Texan
were flying across country on a small plane when the
pilot comes on
the loud speaker and says " We're having mechanical
the only way we can make it to the next airport is for 3 of
open the door and jump, at least one of you can survive"
open the door and look out below. The Englishman takes a deep
breath and hollers "God Save The Queen" and jumps.
The Frenchman gets
really inspired and hollers "Viva La France" and
This really pumps up the Texan so he hollers "Remember the Alamo"
he grabs the Mexican and throws him out of the plane.
three Aggies; one crane operator,
one pole climber, one guide. The guide
tied the crane to the end of
a pole. The crane operator would then pick
the pole up on end. The
climber climbed to the top and dropped a tape
measure which the
guide promptly read and noted the measurement. The
crane operator then
lowered the pole to the ground and repsitioned to pick
pole. This went on several times when the foreman came over
asked why they couldn't measure the poles while they were laying
the ground? The Aggies replied, "we need to know how tall the poles
are, not how long".
Three Englishmen were in a bar and spotted an
Irishman. So, one of the Englishmen walked over to the Irishman,
him on the shoulder, and said, "Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was
"Oh really, hmm, didn't know
Puzzled, the Englishman walked back to his buddies. "I told him St.
Patrick was a loser, and he didn't care." The second Englishman
remarked, "You just don't know how to set him off...watch and learn."
the second Englishman walked over to the Irishman, tapped him
shoulder and said, "Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was lying,
idiotic, low-life scum!"
"Oh really, hmm, didn't
Shocked beyond belief, the Englishman went back to
"You're right. He's unshakable!"
Englishman remarked, "Boys, I'll really tick him off...
So the third Englishman walked over to the Irishman, tapped
m on the shoulder and said, "I hear St. Patrick was an
"Yeah, that's what your buddies were trying to tell me."
Border Patrol Agent catches an illegal
alien in the bushes right by the
border fence, he pulls him out and
says "Sorry, you know the law, you've
got to go back across the
border right now."
The mexican man pleads with them, "No, noooo
Senior, I must stay in de
The Border Patrol
Agent thinks to himself, I'm going to make it hard
for him and says
"Ok, I'll let you stay if you can use 3 english words
The Mexican man of course agrees.
The Border Patrol
Agent tells him, "The 3 words are: Green, Pink and
Yellow. Now use
them in 1 sentence."
The Mexican man thinks really hard for
about 2 minutes, then says,
"Hmmm, Ok. The phone, it went Green,
Green, Green, I Pink it up and sez
A Texan, while visiting Toronto, found himself
in the back seat of a taxi cab on the way to his hotel. Passing by
Royal York the Texan asked the cab driver "What's that
there?" "That's the Royal York Hotel" replied the cabbie. "The
York? How long did it take to build that?" asked the Texan.
years" replied the cabbie.
"12 years? We build 'em
twice as high, twice as wide and four times
as long down in Texas,
and we do that in six months."
A while later the cab driver
makes his was past the Metro-Toronto
Convention Centre. "What's that
building over there?" asked the Texan.
"That's the Metro-Toronto
Convention Centre" replied the cabbie.
"Convention Centre? How
long'd it take to build that?" asked the Texan.
"About three years"
replied the cabbie. "Three years? We build 'em
twice as high, three
times as long and four times as wide as that down
in Texas, and
it only takes us about two weeks."
Shortly thereafter the
cabbie drives past the CN Tower. "What's that
building there?" asks
the Texan, pointing at the tower. "Danged if I
know" replied the
cabbie, "It wasn't here when I drove by
A Frenchman, an Englishman and a New Yorker
were captured by
cannibals. The chief comes to them and says, "The bad
news is that now
we've caught you and we're going to kill you. We
will put you in a pot,
cook you, eat you and then we're going to
use your skins to build a
canoe. The good news is that you can
choose how to die."
The Frenchman says, "I take ze sword." The chief
gives him a sword,
the Frenchman says, "Vive la France!" and runs
The Englishman says, "a pistol for me please."
The chief gives him a
pistol, the Englishman points it at his head
and says, "God save the
queen!" and blows his brains out.
The New Yorker says, "Gimme a fork!" The chief is puzzled, but he
shrugs and gives him a fork. The New Yorker takes the fork and starts
jabbing himself all over--the stomach, the sides, the chest,
There is blood gushing out all over, it's horrible. The
appalled and asks, "My God, what are you doing?"
And the New Yorker responds, "So much for your canoe you stupid
The Americans and Russians at the height of the
realized that if they continued in the usual manner they
were going to blow up
the whole world.
One day they sat
down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one
They'd have five years to breed the best fighting dog in
the world and
whichever side's dog won would be entitled to dominate the
The losing side would have to lay down its arms. The Russians
the biggest meanest Doberman and Rottweiler dogs in the world and
bred them with the biggest meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only
the biggest and strongest puppy from each litter, killed his
and gave him all the milk. The used steroids and trainers and
years came up with the biggest meanest dog the world had
ever seen. Its
cage needed steel bars that were five inches thick
and nobody could get
"When the day came for th
e fight, the Americans showed up with a
strange animal. It was a
nine foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for
because they knew there was no way that this dog could
ten seconds with the Russian dog.
"When the cages were opened up,
the Dachshund came out and wrapped
itself around the outside of the
ring. It had the Russian dog almost
completely surrounded. When the
Russian dog leaned over to bite the
Dachshund's neck, the
Dachshund leaned up and consumed the Russian dog in one
bite. There was
nothing left at all of the Russian dog.
The Russians came up to
the Americans shaking their heads in disbelief.
`We don't understand
how this could have happened. We had our best
people working for
five years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler
dogs in the world
and the biggest meanest Siberian wolves."
"That's nothing", an
American replied. "We had our best plastic
ng for five years trying to make an alligator look like a
When young Jose, newly arrived in the United
made his first trip to Yankee Stadium, there were no tickets
sale. Touched by his disappointment, a friendly ticket
salesman found him a
perch near the American flag. Later, Jose wrote
about his experience. "And the Americans, they
are so friendly!" he
concluded. "Before the game started, they all
stood up and looked at me
and sang, .... 'Jose, can you see?'"
An old Indian lined up all of
his 10 little
Indian sons and stood in front of them.
He then asked, "Who push
port-a-potty over cliff?"
Nobody answered him.
asked again, "Who push port-a-potty over cliff?"
The old Indian said, "I tell story of Georgie and Georgie
Georgie chop down cherry tree. Georgie tell truth, Big
Georgie no punish."
So the Indian asked again,
port-a-potty over cliff?"
To which the littlest Indian replied, "I push
The old Indian then shakes and
spanks him, for his punishment. When he
is done, the little Indian
asks, "Georgie tell truth, Georgie no get
punish. I tell truth, I get
punished. Why you punish, father?"
The old Indian replied, "Big
Georgie not in cherry tree when it got
An old Native American wanted a loan for $500.
He approached his local banker. The banker pulled out the loan
application, asking, "What are you going to do with the money?"
"Take jewelry to city and sell it," said the old man.
have you got for collateral?" queried the banker, going
"Don't know of collateral."
something of value that would cover the cost of the
loan. Have you got
"Yes, I have a 1949 Chevy pickup."
banker shook his head, "How about livestock?"
"Yes, I have a
"How old is it?"
"I don't know; it has no teeth."
Finally the banker decided to make the $500 loan.
Several weeks later the old man was back in the bank. He pulled out a
roll of bills, "Here's the money to pay loan," he said, handing the
entire amount including interest.
"What are you going to
do with the rest of that money?"
"Put it in my pocket."
"Why don't you deposit it in my bank?" he asked.
know of deposit."
"Well, you put the money in our bank and we
take care of it for you.
When you want to use it you can withdraw
The old Indian leaned across the desk, looking suspiciously
banker, and asked, "What you got for collateral?"
A visitor from
Holland was chatting with
his American friend and was jokingly explaining
about the red, white
and blue in the Netherlands flag.
"Our flag symbolizes our
taxes," he said. "We get red when we talk
about them, white when we get
our tax bill, and blue after we pay
same with us," the American said, "only we see stars,
These four guys were walking down the street, a
Russian, a North Korean, and a New Yorker.
reporter comes running up and says, "Excuse me, what is your opinion
about the meat shortage?"
The Saudi says, "What's a
The Russian says, "What's meat?"
The North Korean says,
"What's an opinion?"
The New Yorker, says, "Excuse me?? What's
tourist in Moscow found himself
needing to get rid of a large supply of
garbage from his recent
stay at an apartment. After a long search, he
just couldn't find any
place to discard of it. So, he just went down
one of the side
streets to dump it there.
Yet, he was stopped by a Moscow police
officer, who said, "Hey you,
what are you doing?"
"I have to
throw this away," replied the tourist.
"You can't throw it away
here. Look, follow me," the policeman
officer led him to a beautiful garden with lots of grass,
flowers, and manicured hedges. "Here," said the cop, "dump all
garbage you want."
The American shrugs, opens up the large bags of
garbage, and dumps them
right on the flowers.
giving me a place to dump this stuff. This is very nice of
you. Is this
Russian courtesy?" asked the tourist.
"No. This is the Amer
A family was visiting an Indian
when they happen upon an old tribesman laying face down in
middle Of the road with his ear pressed firmly against the
The father of the family asked the old tribesman what he was
The tribesman began to speak..."woman, late thirties, three
barking dog in late model, Four door station wagon,
traveling at 65
"That's amazing" exclaimed the father.
"You can tell all of that by just listening to the ground"?
"No", said the old tribesman. "They just ran over me five minutes
A prominent Polish scientist conducted very
important experiment. He trained a flea to jump upon giving her a
In a first stage of experiment he
removed flea's leg, told her to
jump, and the flea jumped. So he wrote
in his scientific notebook: "Upon
removing one leg all flea organs
So, he removed the second leg, asked the
flea to jump, she obeyed, so
he wrote again: "Upon removing the second
leg all flea organs function
removed all the legs but one, the flea jumped when
ordered, so he wrote
again: "Upon removing the next leg all flea organs
Then he removed the last leg. Told flea to jump, and nothing
He did not want to take a chance, so he repeated the
times, and the leg less flea never jumped. So he
wrote the conclusion:
"Upon removing the last leg the flea loses
sense of hearing"
Brit, a Frenchman and a Russian are
viewing a painting of Adam and Eve
frolicking in the Garden of Eden.
"Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit. "They must be
"Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees. "They're
naked, and so
beautiful. Clearly, they are French."
clothes, no shelter," the Russian points out, "they have only an
to eat, and they're being told this is paradise. They are
There was a Japanese man who went to America for
the last day, he hailed a cab and told the driver to drive to
airport. During the journey, a Honda drove past the taxi.
Thereupon, the man
leaned out of the window excitedly and yelled,
"Honda, very fast! Made
After a while, a Toyota sped
past the taxi. Again, the Japanese man
leaned out of the window and
yelled, "Toyota, very fast! Made in Japan!"
And then a Mitsubishi
sped past the taxi. For the third time, the
Japanese leaned out of
the window and yelled, "Mitsubishi, very fast! Made
The driver was a little angry, but he kept quiet. And this went on
quite a number of cars. Finally, the taxi came to the airport.
The Japanese exclaimed, "Wah... so
There upon, the driver yelled back, "Meter, very fas
t! Made in
Sid and Al were sitting in a Chinese
restaurant. "Sid," asked Al,
"are there any Jews in China?"
know," Sid replied. "Why don't we ask the waiter?"
waiter came by, Al asked him, "Are there any Chinese Jews?"
don't know sir, let me ask," the waiter replied, and he went into
kitchen. He returned in a few minutes and said, "No, sir. No,
"Are you sure?" Al asked.
"I will check again,
sir," the waiter replied and went back to the
kitchen. While he was
still gone, Sid said, "I cannot believe there are
no Jews in China.
Our people are scattered everywhere."
When the waiter returned
he said, "Sir, no Chinese Jews."
"Are you really sure?" Al asked
"I cannot believe there are no Chinese
"Sir, I ask everyone," the waiter replied exasperated. "We have
Jews, Prune Jews, Tomato Jews and Grape Jews, but we have no Chin
Two Arabs boarded a shuttle out of Washington
for New York.
One sat in the window seat, the other in the middle
seat. Just before
takeoff a fat, little Israeli guy got on and took
the aisle seat next to
the Arabs. He kicked off his shoes, wiggled
his toes and was settling
in when the Arab in the window seat said,
"I think I'll go up and get
"No problem," said
the Israeli. "I'll get it for you." While he
was gone, the Arab
picked up the Israeli's shoe and spit in it. When the
with the coke, the other Arab said, "That looks good.
I think I'll
have one too."
Again, the Israeli obligingly went to fetch it,
and while he is gone
the Arab other picked up the other shoe and
spit in it. The Israeli
returned with the coke, and they all sat back
and enjoyed the short flight
to New York.
As the plane was
landing the Israeli slipped his feet into his shoes
immediately what had happened.
"How long must this go on?" he
asked. "This enmity between our
peoples..... this hatred... this
animosity... this spitting in shoes and
peeing in cokes?"
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