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This farmer has 500 hens but no rooster so he
goes to his neighbor and asks him if he could buy a rooster for $100.
The neighbor says, "You can have this rooster. His name's Roy.
get all your hens pregnant. He's a real stud."
farmer takes him home and says, "It's your first day so take
The farmer puts Roy in the hen house and then hears
all the hens crying
and yelling. Roy nailed every one of those hens
and then nailed a duck
and a goose at a pond.
morning the farmer finds Roy lying dead with his legs sticking
air and buzzards circling overhead.
The farmer says, "Roy, did
you have to die?"
Roy says, "Quiet! They're about to land!"
There was a farmer who
had a lot of live
stock. He had cows, horses, chickens, pigs, and bulls.
One day a
terrible twister came and the man and his family were only
throwing themselves in the nearest ditch. After it was all over,
looked up to see that the house was gone. Saddened by the loss, he
went out to see if any of the animals had survived. The horses,
chickens, pigs, and cows were laid out flat but the bulls were standing! The
farmer was amazed and asked them, "How is it that all the other
are down and you are still standing?" The bulls replied, "We
wobble but we don't fall down!"
A jogger running down a country road
startled as a horse yells at him "Hey-come over hear buddy". The
is stunned but runs over to the fence where the horse is standing
and asks"Were you talking to me"? The horse replies"Sure was, man
I've got a problem. I won the Kentucky Derby a few years ago and this
farmer bought me and now all I do is pull a plow and I'm sick of it.
don't you run up to the house and offer him $5,000 to buy me.
make you some money cause I can still run." The jogger
himself,"boy a talking horse" Dollar signs started appearing
in his head.
So he runs to the house and the old farmer is sitting
on the porch. The
jogger tells the farmer"Hey man I'll give you
$5,000 for that old
broken down nag you've got in the field". The
farmer replies"Son you
can't believe anything that horse says-He's
never even been to
On a rural road a state trooper pulled this
farmer over and said:
"Sir, do you realize your wife fell out of the
car several miles
To which the farmer replied: "Thank
God, I thought I had gone
A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad
in a lawsuit filed by
an old rancher. The rancher's prize bull was
missing from the section
through which the railroad passed. The
rancher only wanted to be paid
the fair value of the bull.
case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in
the back room of the general store.
The attorney for the
railroad immediately cornered the rancher and
tried to get him to settle
out of court. The lawyer did his best selling
job, and finally the
rancher agreed to take half of what he was asking.
rancher had signed the release and took the check, the young
couldn't resist gloating a little over his success, telling the
rancher, "You know, I hate to tell you this, old man, but I put one
over on you in there. I couldn't have won the case. The engineer was
asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went thr
ranch that morning. I didn't have one witness to put on
the stand. I
The old rancher replied, "Well,
I'll tell you, young feller, I was a
little worried about winning
that case myself, because that durned bull
came home this
Seems a guy was driving for hours thu desolate
country when he passed a farmhouse, and before he could react, a
out in front of him and*splat*... he flattened the cat. Out
and consideration, he stopped, turned around and drove
back to the
farmhouse to notify the occupants. When the housewife
came to the door,
said he, "Pardon memadame, but I just ran over a
cat in front of your
house, and assumed that it must belong to you. I
know this might be hard
to hear, but Iwanted to let you know
instead of just driving off...."
"Not so fast", says she. "How do you
know it was our cat? Could
youdescribe him? What does he look
The man promptly flopped down on the ground, and said "He
thts"as he gave his best shot at a dead cat impression.
"Oh no, you *horrible* man", she replied. "I meant, what did he
like*before* you hit him?"
At that, the man got up
, covered his eyes with both hands and
A lone tourist who is passing through the
suburbs on the way to town by car, unfortunately experiences mechanical
problems with the automobile. The car stalls and the tourist parks
car by the side of the road and waits for help.
much later, a farmer happens to pass by with a truck full of farm
animals. The farmer offers the tourist a lift to town and proceeds to
explain that he is bringing his farm animals to the town market, where
they will be auctioned off to the highest bidders.
so happens that on the way to the town, the farmer being so
engrossed in his story, unintentionally wanders into the other side of
road where another vehicle is approaching in the other direction.
The farmer realizes his absent mindness and attempts to avoid the
possible collision with the other vehicle. He just misses the other car,
unfortunately crashes the truck into the side of the road.
winds up thrown into a ditch and suffers broken ribs
and a broken arm
and leg and is obviously in extreme pain. The farm
animals are all
messed up very badly and the farmer, although
remaining inside the vehicle,
still suffers cuts and scrapes.
The farmer gets out of the truck and looks at his farm animals.
The chickens all have broken limbs and can barely move. "These
chickens are all useless! Nobody will want to buy these chickens anymore!"
bellows the farmer. With that, he grabs and loads his shotgun and
away the chickens.
Next, he sees the pigs and they are
all lame and bleeding profusely.
"These pigs are all worthless now!
I'll get nothing for them!" yells
the farmer. With great rage, the
farmer reloads his shotgun and blows
away the pigs.
farmer looks at the sheep and they all have broken limbs and their
wool is all bloodied. "Worthless sheep!" screams the farmer and wit
that, he reloads his shotgun and blows away the sheep.
Meanwhile, the injured tourist witnesses all of this carnage in great
The farmer then moves over to the side of the ditch
and looks at the
tourist. "Are you okay down there?" asked the
"NEVER FELT BETTER IN MY ENTIRE LIFE!!!" the tourist yelled
An aged farmer and his wife were leaning
against the edge of their
pig-pen when the old woman wistfully recalled
that the next week would mark
their golden wedding
"Let's have a party, Homer," she suggested. "Let's kill a
The farmer scratched his grizzled head. "Gee, Ethel," he finally
answered, "I don't see why the pig should take the blame for
that happened fifty years ago."
Howard County Police officers still
their reports by hand, and the data is entered later by a computer
tech into their database. One theft report stated that a farmer had
lost 2,025 pigs. Thinking that to be an error, the tech called the
"Is it true Mr. (Smith) that you lost 2,025
pigs?" she asked.
"Yeth." lisped the farmer.
Being a Howard
County girl herself, the tech entered: "Subject lost 2
sows and 25
A man is driving down a country road, when he
spots a farmer standing in the middle of a huge field of grass. He
the car over to the side of the road and notices that the
farmer is just
standing there, doing nothing, looking at
The man gets out of the car, walks all the way out to the farmer and
asks him, "Ah excuse me mister, but what are you doing?"
farmer replies, "I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize."
the man, puzzled.
"Well, I heard they give the Nobel Prize . . .
to people who are out
standing in their field."
The farmer's son was returning from the market
with the crate of chicken's his father had entrusted to him, when
of a sudden the box fell and broke open. Chickens scurried off
different directions, but the determined boy walked all over the
neighborhood scooping up the wayward birds and returning them to
crate. Hoping he had found them all, the boy reluctantly
expecting the worst.
"Pa, the chickens got
loose," the boy confessed sadly, "but I
managed to find all twelve of
"Well, you did real good, son," the farmer beamed. "You
A very zealous soul-winning young preacher
recently came upon
a farmer working in his field. Being concerned about
the farmer's soul
the preacher asked the man, "Are you laboring in
the vineyard of the
Lord my good man?"
Not even looking at
the preacher and continuing his work the farmer
replied, "Naw, these
"You don't understand," said the preacher. "Are
you a Christian?"
With the same amount of interest as his
previous answer the farmer
said, "Nope my name is Jones. You must be
lookin for Jim Christian. He
lives a mile south of here."
young determined preacher tried again asking the farmer, "Are you
"Naw! I've lived here all my life," answered the
"Are you prepared for the resurrection?" the frustrated preacher
This caught the farmer's attention and he asked,
"When's it gonna
Thinking he had accomplished somet
hing the young preacher replied, "It
could be today, tomorrow, or
the next day." Taking a handkerchief from
his back pocket and
wiping his brow, the farmer remarked, "Well,
don't mention it to my
wife. She don't get out much and she'll wanna go
all three days."
A retiring farmer in preparation for selling
land, needed to rid his farm of animals. So he went to every
house in his
To the houses where the man is the boss, he
gave a horse. To the houses
where the woman is the boss, a chicken
He got toward the end of the street and saw a couple
"Who's the boss around here?" he asked.
"I am." said the man.
"I have a black horse and a brown
horse," the farmer said, "which
one would you like?"
thought for a minute and said, "The black one."
"No, no, no, get
the brown one." the man's wife said.
"Here's your chicken."
said the farmer.
A clergyman walking down a
country lane and
sees a young farmer struggling to load hay back onto a
it had fallen off.
"You look hot, my son," said the cleric. "why
don't you rest a
moment, and I'll give you a hand."
thanks," said the young man.
"My father wouldn't like
"Don't be silly," the minister said.
"Everyone is entitled to
a break. Come and have a drink of water."
Again the young man
protested that his father would be upset. Losing
his patience, the
clergyman said, "Your father must be a real slave
driver. Tell me
where I can find him and I'll give him a piece of my
"Well," replied the young farmer, "he's under the load of
A farmer was milking his cow. He was just
starting to get a good rhythm
going when a bug flew into the barn and
started circling his head.
Suddenly, the bug flew into the cow's
ear. The farmer didn't think much
about it, until the bug squirted
out into his bucket. It went in one ear
and out the udder.
A man from the city is out plowing his field
gets his tractor stuck in the wet ground.
A farmer driving
by stops his truck and walks to the fence to call over
feller. You need a mule to plow such wet ground he says.
I buy one?" he is asked.
Well, I just happened to have one for
100 dollars he says.
"I'll take him," says the other man as he
counts out the money.
I can't bring him over today. I don't
work on Sunday morrow OK?
The next day the truck
pulls up and the old farmer gets out. He says,
I went out after breakfeast and the mule was dead.
feller says just give me my money back then.
"Can't, spent it
"Well... unload the mule then."
"What ya gonna do
"Raffle him off!"
"Naw, ya cant raffle off a
"Just watch me us! City fellers know a few tri
One month goes by and the city feller and farmer run into
each other at
the barber shop.
"What did ya do with that
"Raffled him off, sold 100 tickets at two dollars each
and made 98
"Didn't anyone complain?"
"Just one guy so I gave him his two dollars back!"
and his chauffeur were out
driving in the country and accidentally hit
and killed a pig that had
wandered out on a country road. Limbaugh told
the chauffeur to
drive up to the farm and apologize to the farmer.
They drove up to
the farm, the chauffeur got out and knocked on the
front door and
was let in. He was in there for what seemed like hours.
chauffeur came out, Limbaugh was confused about why his driver
been in there so long.
"Well, first the farmer shook my hand, then
he offered me a beer, then
his wife brought me some cookies, and
his daughter showered me with
kisses." explained the driver.
"What did you tell the farmer?" Limbaugh asked.
replied, "I told him I was Rush Limbaugh's driver and
killed the pig."
A farmer and his brand new bride were
riding home from the chapel in a wagon pulled by a team of horses, when the
older horse stumbled.
The farmer said, "That's
A little further along, the poor old horse stumbled again.
farmer said, "That's twice."
After a little, while the poor old
horse stumbled again.
The farmer didn't say anything, but
reached under the seat, pulled out
a shotgun and shot the
His brand new bride yelled, telling him, "That was an awful thing to
The farmer said, "That's once."
A Texan farmer goes to Australia
vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking. The
shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, "Oh! We have
wheat fields that are at least twice as large".
Then they walk
around the ranch a little and the Aussie shows off his
herd of cattle.
The Texan immediately says, " We have longhorns that
are at least
twice as large as your cows".
The conversation has, meanwhile,
almost died when the Texan sees a herd
of kangaroos hopping through
the field. He asks, "And what are
The Aussie asks
with an incredulous look, "Don't you have any
How did the aliens hurt the farmer?
trod on his corn.
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