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How do you get pikachu on to a boat? You
Well, a man was driving down a country road, and
he decided to get out
and get some fresh air.
He got out,
and started walking in a meadow. As he walked, he came upon
Wanting to see how deep it was, he threw a pebble down. No
So he threw a medium-sized rock down. No sound.
The man started
to get frustrated, so he threw a boulder down. No
sound. As he
searched about, he spotted a railroad beam. He hauled it over
hole, and shoved it in. No sound.
He sat down on the ground,
exhausted. Suddenly, he saw a goat running
at him, full speed. He
leaped up, and it brushed past him, and fell in
the hole. He listened,
but there was no sound.
He sat down again. A few minutes later,
a farmer came walking up. The
man asked him, "How deep is this
hole?" The farmer said, "Oh. Thats
the bottomless pit. It never ends.
Say, have you seen my prize goat?"
The man, not wanting to g
et the blame, said, "No." The farmer said,
"Oh well. He can't get
far. He was tied to a railroad beam."
was a guy walking down the street in
San Francisco, and he tripped over
an old looking oil lamp.
He picked it up and hid it under his jacket, because he thought it was
While he was running to the antique shop to cash
this puppy in, it
rubbed against his shirt.
POOF! A genie
popped out of his pocket!
The very angry looking Genie said, "All
right, I have had enough with
this three wish stuff, and 'cuz you
stole me away from my HBO Special,
I will only give you one wish!"
The surprised man said, "OK, I want to live in Hawaii in a huge
on the beach with three million dollars in the master
bedroom, but I am
afraid of boats and planes so I want you to build a
bridge from here to
The genie replied with a smirk,
"Are you crazy? Do you know how long
that will take, with the pillars
going down to the bottom of the ocean,
all the cement it wou
ld take for the highway? No I'm sorry, it just
The man said, "Fine then, I want to understand women."
The genie said, " Would you like two lanes or four?
and Matthew Watson were on a
camping and hiking trip. They had gone to
bed and were lying there
looking up at the sky. Holmes said, "Watson,
look up. What do you
"Well, I see thousands of stars."
"And what does
that mean to you?"
"Well, I guess it means we will have another
nice day tomorrow. What
does it mean to you, Holmes?"
me, it means someone has stolen our tent."
Big Louie the
Torpedo was becoming
increasingly curious about one of the newer members of
his mob, Benny the
Rod. Benny had been in the business for many years in
another part of
the country. During that time he had garnered quite a
for being the most conscientious and honorable hit man
was also considered quite eccentric, perhaps odd, in that for
last ten years or so he always kept one hand in his pocket -
clutching his cold steel weapon in readiness (hence the nickname, Benny the
When Benny arrived at Louie's office, the question was
put to him.
"So what's the story with you and this here gun of
yours, eh? Like,
are you scared or somethin' or you just want to
always be ready or
"Not scared ..." Benny growled,
"been doin' it dis way ever since
me sister-in-law's weddin' 'bout
ten ten years ago now".
"Oh yeah? ... so ...?"
l, I used ta know her fiance at da time - a no good chisler. He
never even loved the goil so much ... but he made her happy and so I kept
me mouth shut about it", Benny explained.
Louie leaned in,
expecting the point of the matter.
"And since dat time I gotta do
it dis way".
"But WHY?!", Louie finally demanded?
I was at da wedding", grumbled Benny, and I wasn't about to
nuttin' about it then, so now I gotta do like da preacher said
"Speak Now or Forever Hold Your Piece!"
Three men stood before a judge on a charge of
drunk and disorderly conduct in a public park.
were you doing?
1st man: Oh, just throwing peanuts in the
Judge: And what were you doing?
2nd man: I was throwing
peanuts in the pond, too."
Judge: Sounds harmless. And you, were you
throwing peanuts in the pond
3rd man: No, sir. I AM
One afternoon, a man was riding in
of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the road
He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. "Why
are you eating grass?", he asked one man.
"We don't have any
money for food.", The poor man replied.
"Oh, come along with me
"But sir, I have a wife with two children!"
"Bring them along! And you, come with me too!", he said to the other
"But sir, I have a wife with six children!" The second man
"Bring them as well!"
They all climbed into the
car, which was no easy task, even for a car
as large as the limo.
Once underway, one of the poor fellows says "sir,
you are too kind.
Thank you for taking all of us with you."
The rich man replied
"No, you don't understand, the grass at my home
is about three
Two friends: - I heard that you have
a musical band.
- Yes, it is a quartet.
- How many are you?
We are three.
- Me and my brother.
- You have a
- No, why do you ask?
Two guys are talking:
(1) - I've bought a
tour to my mother-in-law.
(2) - Your mother-in-law???!!!
(1) - Why
not, to Bagdad.
A newlywed couple, after bringing their
luggage into their cabin, stormed down to the desk. The bride was in
tears, and the groom was red faced. When asked what the problem was, the
groom started swearing at the desk clerk. "We booked a cabin with a
for our honeymoon, and all we get to see out the window is a
Two women were sitting by the pool, and one
asked what kind of water they fill the pool with -- fresh
sea water? The cruise director answered,
"Sea water." "Oh, that
explains why it's so rough
A man was given the job of painting the white
lines down the
middle of a highway. On his first day he painted six
miles; the next
day three miles; the following day less than a mile.
When the foreman
asked the man why he kept painting less each day,
he replied "I just
can't do any better. Each day I keep getting
farther away from the paint
A man is hired by the circus to perform a
necessary but rather
unpleasant task. He is asked to walk behind the
elephants in the center
ring, shoveling aside their droppings as they
walk about. After a
rather difficult evening at work, he goes to the
circus cafeteria, sits with
other workers, and begins complaining
about his work.
"It's just terrible work, walking behind those
huge beasts and first
dodging, then shoveling aside the dung they
produce. My arms are tired,
my shoes and pants are a mess, and I'll
have to shower before I return
home, because of the
His friends at work agree: "Why don't you just quit this miserable
job and find something more rewarding to do. You have to have some
and talents that you can put to use somewhere else."
looks at them, stunned: "You know, you're probably right, but I
just can't give up the glamour of show business!"
Abraham wanted a
new suit, so he bought a
nice piece of cloth and then tried to locate a
tailor. The first
tailor he visited looked at the cloth and measured
Abraham, then told
him the cloth was not enough to make a suit.
Abraham was unhappy
with this opinion and sought another tailor. This
Abraham, then measured the cloth, and then smiled and
is enough cloth to make a pair of trousers, a coat and a
please come back in a week to take your suit."
After a week Abraham
came to take his new suit, and saw the tailor's
trousers made of the same cloth. Perplexed, he asked, "Just
how could you
make a full suit for me and trousers for your son, when
tailor could not make a suit only?"
"It's very simple," replied the
tailor, "The other tailor has two
An archaeologist was digging in the Negev Desert
in Israel and
came upon a casket containing a mummy. After
examining it, he called
the curator of a prestigious natural-history
museum. "I've just
discovered a 3,000 year-old mummy of a man who died
of heart failure!" the
excited scientist exclaimed.
the curator replied, "Bring him in. We'll check it out." A
later, the amazed curator called the archaeologist. "You were
about the mummy's age and cause of death. How in the world did you
"Easy. There was a piece of paper in his hand that said,
Shekels on Goliath'."
How many archaeologists does it take to change a
Three. One to change it while the other two argue
about how old the old
How many architects does it take to change a
Just one, but he has to coordinate ten other professionals
doing this quiet complicated task.
How many brewers does it take to
Third as many as for a regular bulb.
How many cashiers does it take
to change a
"Are you kidding? They won't even change a five dollar
many civil servants does it take to
change a light bulb? Twelve. One to
change the bulb, and eleven to do
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