A man is dining in a fancy restaurant, and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He had been checking her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her. Suddenly she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back. "Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy you dessert to make it up to you." They enjoy a wonderful dessert together, and afterwards, the woman invites him to the theater followed by drinks. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place and stay for breakfast the next morning. The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed! Everything has been incredible! "You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?" "No," she replies, "you just happened to catch my eye."

Men are like placemats. They only show up when there's food on the table.

Men are like mascara. They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

Men are like bike helmets. They are handy in an emergency, but otherwise they just look silly.

Men are like government bonds. They take so long to mature.

Men are like copiers. You need them for reproduction, but that's about it.

Men are like lava lamps. Fun to look at, but not very bright.

Men are like bank accounts. Without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest.

Men are like high heels. They're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.

Men are like curling irons. They're always hot, and they're always in your hair.

Men are like mini skirts. If you're not careful, they'll creep up your legs.

How many men does it take to open a beer? - None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman? - Because a woman who can't afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

A husband was trying to prove to his wife that women talk more than men. He showed her a study which indicated that men use about 10,000 words per day, whereas women use 20,000 words per day. His wife thought about this for a while. She then told her husband that women use twice as many words as men because they have to repeat everything they say. Her husband looked stunned. He said "What?"

There were 11 people hanging on to a single rope that suspended them from a helicopter trying to bring them to safety. Ten were men; one was a woman. They all decided that one person would have to let go because if they didn't, the rope would break and all of them would die. No one could decide who it should be. Finally the woman gave a really touching speech, saying how she would give up her life to save the others, because women were used to giving things up for their husbands and children and giving in to men. All of the men started clapping.

Q. How do men define a "50/50" relationship? A. We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle.

Q. How do men exercise on the beach? A. By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.

Q. How does a man show he's planning for the future? A. He buys two cases of beer instead of one.

Q. What do most men consider a gourmet restaurant? A. Any place without a drive-up window.

Q. What do you call a handcuffed man? A. Trustworthy.