Old age jokes
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Q: Why did the old lady put wheels on her
A: She wanted to rock and roll
An elderly lady did her shopping and,
returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with
her car. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding
to scream at them at the top of her voice, "I have a gun and I know
how to use it! Get out of the car, scumbags !"
The four men
didn't wait for a second invitation but got out and ran
whereupon the lady, somewhat shaken, proceeded to load her
bags into the back of the car and get into the driver's
She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She
tried and tried, and then it dawned on her why. A few minutes later
found her own car parked four or five spaces farther
She loaded her bags into her car and drove to the police
The sergeant to whom she told the story nearly tore himself in two
laughter and pointed to the other end of the counter,
where four pale
white males were reporting a car jacking by a mad
described as white, less than 5' tall, glasses, and
curly white hair carrying
a large handgun.
Three old ladies met on the street on a very
day. The wind was so strong and loud that they had difficulty
hearing each other.
"It's windy," said one.
"No, it's Thursday," said the next.
"So am I," said the third.
"Let's go and have a drink!"
man visits his doctor and after
thorough examination the doctor tells
him: "I have good news and bad
news, what would you like to hear
Patient: "Well, give
me the bad news first."
Doctor: "You have cancer, I estimate
that you have about two years
Patient: "OH NO! That's
awefull! In two years my life will be over!
What kind of good news
could you probably tell me, after this???"
Doctor: "You also have
Alzheimer's. In about three months you are
going to forget
everything I told you."
For the first time in many
years, a an old
man traveled from his rural town to the city to attend a
After buying his ticket, he stopped at the concession stand to
purchase some popcorn.
Handing the attendant $1.50, he couldn't help
but comment, "The last
time I came to the movies, popcorn was only
"Well, sir," the attendant replied with a grin,
going to enjoy yourself. We have sound now.."
Seems an elderly gentleman had serious hearing
problems for a number of years.
He went to the doctor and
the doctor was able to have him fitted for a
set of hearing aids that
allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.
The elderly gentleman went
back in a month to the doctor and the doctor
said, "Your hearing is
perfect. Your family must be really pleased
that you can hear
To which the gentleman said, "Oh, I haven't told my family
just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've
changed my will
A wise old gentleman retired and purchased a
near a junior high school. He spent the first few weeks
retirement in peace and contentment. Then a new school year
began. The very
next afternoon three young boys, full of youthful,
enthusiasm, came down his street, beating merrily on
every trash can they
encountered. The crashing percussion continued
day after day, until finally
the wise old man decided it was time
to take some action.
The next afternoon, he walked out to meet
the young percussionists as
they banged their way down the street.
Stopping them, he said, "You
kids are a lot of fun. I like to see you
express your exuberance like
that. In fact, I used to do the same
thing when I was your age. Will you do
me a favor? I'll give you
each a dollar if you'll promise to come
around every day and do your
thing." The kids were elated and continued
to do a bang-up jo
b on the trash cans.
After a few days, the old-timer greeted
the kids again, but this time
he had a sad smile on his face.
"This recession's really putting a big dent in my income," he told
them. "From now on, I'll only be able to pay you 50 cents to beat on
The noisemakers were obviously displeased, but
they did accept his
offer and continued their afternoon ruckus. A few
days later, the wily
retiree approached them again as they drummed
their way down the street.
"Look," he said, "I haven't received
my Social Security check yet,
so I'm not going to be able to give
you more than 25 cents. Will that
quarter?" the drum leader exclaimed. "If you think we're
going to waste
our time, beating these cans around for a quarter,
you're nuts! No
way, mister. We quit!"
And the old man enjoyed peace.
Three ladies were discussing the
of getting older. One said, "Sometimes I catch myself with a jar
mayonnaise in my hand, while standing in front of the refrigerator,
and I can't remember whether I need to put it away, or start making a
The second lady chimed in with, "Yes, sometimes
I find myself on the
landing of the stairs and can't remember
whether I was on my way up or
on my way down."
The third one
responded, " Well, ladies, I'm glad I don't have that
Knock on wood," as she rapped her knuckles on the table, and
"That must be the door, I'll get it!"
An elderly woman
from Brooklyn decided to
prepare her will and make her final requests.
She told her rabbi
she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be
second, she wanted her ashes scattered over
"Bloomingdales!" the rabbi exclaimed. "Why Bloomingdales?"
I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week."
An 80 year
old couple were having problems
remembering things, so they decided to
go to their doctor to get
checked out to make sure nothing was wrong
with them. When they
arrived at the doctor's, they explained to the
doctor about the
problems they were having with their memory.
After checking the couple
out, the doctor tells them that they were
physically okay but might
want to start writing things down and make notes
to help them
remember things. The couple thanked the doctor and left.
night while watching TV, the old man got up from his chair
wife asks, "Where are you going?"
He replies, "To the kitchen."
She asks, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"
She then asks him, "Don't you think you should
write it down so you
can remember it?"
He says, "No, I can
She then says, "Well, I also would like
some strawberries on top. You
had better write that down cause I
know you'll forget that."
He says, "I can remember that, you
want a bowl of ice cream with
"Well, I also would like whip cream on top. I know you
that so you better write it down."
With irritation in his voice,
he says, "I don't need to write that
down, I can remember that." He
then fumes into the kitchen.
After about 20 minutes he returns
from the kitchen and hands her a
plate of bacon and eggs.
She stares at the plate for a moment and says, "You forgot my
A young man saw an elderly couple sitting down
to lunch at McDonald's. He noticed that they had ordered one meal,
an extra drink cup. As he watched, the gentleman carefully
hamburger in half, then counted out the fries, one for him,
her, until each had half of them. Then he poured half of
the soft drink
into the extra cup and set that in front of his wife.
The old man then
began to eat, and his wife sat watching, with her
hands folded in her
The young man decided to ask if
they would allow him to purchase
another meal for them so that they
didn't have to split theirs.
The old gentleman said, "Oh no.
We've been married 50 years, and
everything has always been and will
always be shared, 50/50."
The young man then asked the wife if
she was going to eat, and she
replied, "It's his turn with the
The Senate is investigating
sweepstakes practices. These companies target the elderly and
think they will receive a bunch of money, but in reality they
see any of it.
The most popular of these scams is called Social
elderly women were out driving in a
large car-both could barely see over the
dashboard. As they were
cruising along they came to an intersection.
The stoplight was red but
they just went on through. The woman in the
passenger seat thought
to herself "I must be losing it, I could have
sworn we just went
through a red light."
After a few more minutes they came to
another intersection and the
light was red again and again they went
right though. This time the woman
in the passenger seat was almost
sure that the light had been red but
was really concerned that she was
losing it. She was getting nervous and
decided to pay very close
attention to the road and the next
intersection to see what was going
At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was
definitely red and
they went right through and she turned to the other
woman and said,
"Mildred! Did you know we just ran through thre
e red lights in a row! You
could have killed us!"
turned to her and said, "Oh, am I driving?"
they hadn't heard
anything for days from the widow in the neighboring
apartment, Mrs. Silver
said to her son, "Timmy, would you go next door
and see how old
Mrs. Kirkland is?"
A few minutes later, Timmy
"Well," asked Mrs. Silver, "is she all right?"
"She's fine, except
that she's angry at you."
"At me?" the woman exclaimed.
"She said 'It's none of your business how old she
A reporter was interviewing a 104 year-old
woman: "And what
do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the
She simply replied, "No peer pressure."
I've sure gotten old. I've had two By-pass
surgeries. A hip replacement, new knees. Fought prostate cancer, and
diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet
take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded,
to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor
feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if
I'm 85 or 92. Have
lost all my friends.
But.....Thank God, I
still have my Florida driver's license!
you are young, you want to be the
master of your fate and the captain of
your soul. When you are older,
you will settle for being the master of
your weight and the captain
of your bowling team.
Three old men are
sitting on the porch of
a retirement home. The first says, "Fellas, I
got real problems.
I'm seventy years old. Every morning at seven
o'clock I get up and
I try to urinate. All day long I try to urinate. They
give me all
kinds of medicine but nothing helps."
The second old man says,
"You think you have problems. I'm eighty
years old. Every morning
at 8:00 I get up and try to move my bowels. I try
all day long. They
give me all kinds of stuff but nothing helps."
third old man speaks up, "Fellas: I'm ninety years old.
at 7:00 sharp I urinate. Every morning at 8:00 I move my
Every morning at 9:00 sharp I wake up."
There was an old man
whose family could no
longer afford to take care of him. So the family
decided that a
nusring for the aged would be appropriate.
Of course the old man
rejected the idea, but no sooner he was convinced
that it was the
right thing to do. On his first day at the home, he
spent most of his
time laying in bed reflecting on life, feeling lonely. A
later, an orderly stopped by to seee how the old man's first day
"How you doing today?", she said to the old man, "First
day I see".
The Old man replied with a nod.
In no time the
two began talking up a storm. As the conversation began
to drag on,
the orderly was eyeing the room filled with fresh flowers,
and balloons from friends and relatives. She noticed a bowl full
peanuts sitting on top of the table next to the bed, and help
herself to a handful.
As the two continued to converse with eac
h other, the orderly kept
eating more helpings of the peanuts. She
look at her watch and noticed that
nearly 2 hours had passed and
said, "My goodness, the time has gone by
quickly. I have to tend to
other people here too." "That's okay.",
said the old man, "I feel
so much better being able to talk to
someone." Looking into the bowl
the orderly said, "I feel awful! I ate
almost all of your peanuts!"
The old man responded, "That's okay. Ever
since I got these false
teeth, all I could do was suck the chocolate off
A woman walked up to a little old man rocking
chair on his porch.
"I couldn't help noticing how
happy you look," she said. "What's
your secret for a long happy
"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also
case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never
"That's amazing," the woman said. "How old are you?'
"Twenty-six," he said.
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