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The Boston taxi driver backed into the
fruit stall and within seconds he had a cop beside him.
"Same as mine. Where are
"Same as me......"
policeman paused with his pen in the air.
"Hold on a moment and
I'll come back and talk about the old county. I
want to say
something to this fella that ran into the back of your
Driving to work, a gentlman had to swerve to
avoid a box that fell
out of a truck in front of him. Seconds later, a
policeman pulled him
over for reckless driving. Fortunately,
another officer had seen the
carton in the road. The policmen stopped
traffic and recovered the box. It
was found to contain large
"I'm sorry sir," the first trooper told the driver,
"but I am still
going to have to write you a ticket."
Amazed, the driver asked for what.
The trooper replied, "Tacks
A policeman pulls a man over
and asks him to get out of the car. After looking the man
says, "Sir, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are
you been drinking?"
The man gets really indignant and says,
"Officer, I couldn't help but
notice your eyes are glazed. Have you
been eating doughnuts?"
local policeman had just finished his
shift one cold November evening and
was at home with his wife.
"You just won't believe what happened this evening , in all my years
on the force I've never seen anything like it."
dear, what happened ?"
"I came across two guys down by the canal,
one of them was drinking
battery acid and the other was eating
"Drinking battery acid and eating fireworks!! What did
you do with
"Oh that was easy, I charged one and
let the other off."
A new man
is brought into Prison Cell 102.
Already there is a long-time resident who looks 100 years old.
The new man looks at the old-timer inquiringly.
old-timer says, "Look at me. I'm old and worn out.
believe that I used to live the life of Riley.
I wintered on the
Riviera, had a boat, four fine cars, the most
beautiful women, and
I ate in all the best restaurants of France."
The new man
asked, "What happened?"
"One day Riley reported his credit cards
A shoplifter was caught red-handed trying to
steal a watch from an exclusive jewelry store. "Listen," said the
shoplifter, "I know you don't want any trouble either. What do you
just buy the watch and we forget about this?"
manager agreed and wrote up the sales slip. The crook looked at the
and said, "This is a little more than I intended to spend. Can
show me something less expensive?"
The local sheriff was looking
for a deputy,
so Gomer - who was not exactly the sharpest nail in the
in to try out for the job.
"Okay," the sheriff drawled, "Gomer,
what is 1 and 1?"
"11" he replied.
The sheriff thought to
himself, "That's not what I meant, but he's
two days of the weekstart with the letter 'T'?"
He was again surprised that Gomer supplied a correct
answer that he had
never thought of himself.
"Now Gomer, listen
carefully: Who killed Abraham Lincoln?"
Gomer looked a little
surprised himself, then thought really hard for a
minute and finally
admitted, "I don't know."
"Well, why don't you go home and
work on that one for a while?"
So, Gomer wandered over to the pool
hall where his pals were waiting to
hear the results of the
interview. Gomer was exultant.
"It went great! First day on the
job and I'm already working on a
Two rednecks, Bubba and Earl, were driving down
drinking a couple of bottles of Bud.
Bubba, said "Lookey thar up ahead, Earl, it's a police
We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here
"Don't worry, Bubba," Earl said. "We'll just pull over and finish
drinkin' these beers then peel off the label and stick it on our
foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat."
"What fer?", asked
"Just let me do the talkin', OK?," said
Well, they finished their beers, threw the empties out of sight & put
label on each of their foreheads.
When they reached the
roadblock, the sheriff said, "You boys been
said Earl while pointing at the labels. "We're on the
A police car pulls up in front of grandma
Bessie's house, and
grandpa Morris gets out.
policeman explained that this elderly gentleman said that he
was lost in
the park...and couldn't find his way home. " Oy Morris
grandma, " You've been going to that park for over 30 years !
could you get lost ? " Leaning close to grandma, so that the
policeman couldn't hear. Morris whispered, " I wasn't lost.....I was
too tired to walk home."
Juggler, driving to his next
was stopped by the police. "What are those knives doing in your
car?" asked the officer.
"I juggle them in my act."
yeah?" says the cop. "Let's see you do it." So the juggler
tossing and juggling the knives.
A guy driving by sees this and
says, "Wow, am I glad I quit drinking.
Look at the test they're
making you do now!"
A policeman stops a lady and asks for her
license. He says "Lady, it says here that you should be wearing
The woman answered "Well, I have contacts."
policeman replied "I don't care who you know! You're getting a
A police officer attempts to stop a car for
speeding and the
guy gradually increases his speed until he's topping
100 mph. He
eventually realizes he can't escape and finally pulls
The cop approaches the car and says, "It's been a long
day and my
tour is almost over, so if you can give me a good excuse
behavior, I'll let you go."
The guy thinks for a
few seconds and then says, "My wife ran away with
a cop about a week
ago. I thought you might be that officer trying to
A rookie police officer was out for his first
a cruiser with an experienced partner. A call came in
telling them to
disperse some people who were loitering.
officers drove to the street and observed a small crowd standing on
The rookie rolled down his window and said, "Let's get
off the corner
A few glances, but no one moved, so he
barked again, "Let's get off
Intimidated, the group of people began to leave, casting puzzled stares
Proud of his first official act, the young
policeman turned to his
partner and asked, "Well, how did I
Pretty good," chuckled the vet, "especially since this is a bus
The Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD), The
FBI, and the CIA are
all trying to prove that they are the best at
The President decides to give them a test.
He releases a rabbit into a
forest and each of them has to catch
The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the
They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three
extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not
The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn
killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and
they make no
apologies. The rabbit had it coming.
The LAPD goes
in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten
bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a
Late one Friday night the policeman spotted a
man driving very
erratically through the streets of Dublin. They
pulled the man over and asked
him if he had been drinking that
"Aye, so I have. 'Tis Friday, you know, so me and the lads
the pub where I had six or seven pints. And then there was
called "Happy Hour" and they served these mar-gar-itos
which are quite
good. I had four or five o' those. Then I had to
drive me friend Mike
home and O' course I had to go in for a couple
of Guinness - couldn't
be rude, ye know. Then I stopped on the way
home to get another bottle
for later .." And the man fumbled around
in his coat until he located
his bottle of whiskey, which he held
up for inspection.
The officer sighed, and said, "Sir, I'm
afraid I'll need you to step
out of the car and take a breathalyzer
Indignantly, the man said, "Why? Don't ye believe me?
A police officer pulls over this guy who had
been weaving in and out of the lanes.
He goes up to the guy's
window and says, "Sir, I need you to blow
into this breathalyzer
The man says, "Sorry officer I can't do that. I am an
asthmatic. If I
do that I'll have a really bad asthma
"Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood
sample." "I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that,
I'll bleed to death."
"Well, then we need a urine
"I'm sorry officer I can't do that either. I am also a
I do that I'll get really low blood sugar."
then I need you to come out here and walk this white line."
can't do that, officer."
"Because I'm too
drunk to do that!"
A man went to the Police
Station wishing to
speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the
"You'll get your chance in court." said the Desk
"No, no no!" said the man. "I want to know how he got into the
without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for
Traffic was backed up for miles, the police
were going car to car. When
they got to my car I asked the officer
what was going on.
He said "It's Al Gore. He's up there
threatening to set himself on
fire! We are going car to car collecting
"Donations!" I said, "How much you got so far?"
said "about ten gallons."
"When I saw you driving down the
guessed 55 at least."
"You're wrong, officer, it's only my hat
that makes me look that
A tourist asks a man in uniform, "Are you a
"No, I am an undercover detective."
"So why are
you in uniform?"
"Today is my day off."
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