After my wife and her former best buddy, another Air Force wife, were separated by a move that posted one husband on the opposite coast, the telephone became their chief means of communication. When our phone bills showed astronomical increases, the other spouse and I sought relief. Since we both owned computers, we encourage our wives to use electronic mail. Now they call on the phone to let each other know that e-mail was sent, then call back to confirm that it arrived and have a conversation about the contents!

What do you call an elephant in a phone box? Stuck.

What do ghosts use to phone home? A terror-phone.

Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm a telephone. Doctor: Why's that? I keep getting calls in the night.

At three o'clock one morning a veterinary surgeon was woken from a deep sleep by the ringing of his telephone. He staggered downstairs and answered the phone. "I'm sorry if I woke you," said a voice at the other end of the line. "That's all right," said the vet, "I had to get up to answer the telephone anyway."

Why did the alien phone home on his mobile? Because it was so ET !

Who was that on the phone, Fred? Fred: No one important. Just some man who said it was long distance from Australia, so I told him I knew that already and put the phone down !

Why did Dr Frankenstein have his telephone cut off? Because he wanted to win the Nobel prize!

The new office-boy came into his boss's office and said, "I think you're wanted on the phone, sir." "What d'you mean, you think?" demanded the boss. "Well, sir, the phone rang, I answered it and a voice said 'is that you, you old fool?"

Mother: Why was the phone busy all night? Babysitter: The fire department put me on hold.

The phone in Rigby's Georgia farmhouse rang one evening. When he answered, the operator said, "This is long distance from Chicago." "I knowed it's a long distance from Chicago!" answered the farmer. "How come you called to tell me that?"

Moody was awakened by the telephone at four A.M. It was his Ku Klux Klan buddy, Crumm, calling long distance from Montgomery. "What's the matter?" asked Moody. "Are you in trouble?" "No!" said Crumm. "What do you want, then?" "Nothing!" "Then how come you are calling me in the middle of the night?" asked Moody. "Cause!" said the other redneck, "the rates is cheaper!"

Kelso met Hensley on the street. "Hey!" said Kelso, "how come I never hear from you? Why don't you call me on the telephone?" "You ain't got no tellyphone!" said Hensley. "I know," said Kelso. "But you do!"

A man and a couple of his friends had just finished a round of golf at the country club and they were changing their shoes when a cell phone on the bench rang. The man picked it up and answered it. "Hi honey," said the woman on the other end. "Hi honey," replied the man. "I was just calling to tell you about this fur coat I found today. It's beautiful fox fur and I just love the way it looks on me. It's on sale too, a real bargain. It's down to $2000 from $4000. Can I get it?" The man thought about it for a sec and said, "You're sure it's a good deal?" "Oh yes," replied the woman. "Okay then, I guess you can get it," replied the man. The woman continued,"Oh, and you know how we've been thinking about getting rid of the Lexus and getting a new Jaguar? Well, I went to the dealership today and the guy gave me a real deal. He said he'd lower the price from $50,000 to $35,000 just for me. Can I get it?" The man thought a little harder and said,"If you're sure it's a good deal, then yes, go ahead and get the Jaguar." The woman continued again. "Oh, one last thing, honey. Remember that house we saw last month that we really liked, but decided we'd wait and think about? Well, it's on the market again, so I checked the price. It's down to $450,000 and I checked with the bank and we have enough in the checking account so that I can just write a check. Should I get it?" The man got a frown on his face and said,"See if you can get them down to $420,000. If they'll go down to that, go ahead and get it." The woman was extremely excited. "Okay honey, thank you so much! I'll see you when I get home! Bye!" "Bye," said the man. He hung up the phone and looked at the other men in the locker room and said, "Does anyone know whose phone this is?"

Harry was madly in love with Betty, but couldn't pluck up enough courage to pop the question face to face. Finally he decided to ask her on the telephone. 'Darling!' he blurted out, 'will you marry me?' 'Of course, I will, you silly boy,' she replied, 'who is it speaking?'

How does a skeleton call her friends? On a telebone.

What asks no question but demands an answer? A doorbell or a ringing telephone.

What did the man say when he got a big phone bill? "Who said talk is cheap?"

Why is an engaged girl like a telephone? Because they both have rings.

If you cross a telephone and a lobster what will you get? Snappy talk.